Breaking News from Deep Nose on Vladimir Putin

Deep Nose, my intrepid source for all things conspiratorial, has just informed me that Russian President Vladimir Putin is burning the midnight oil so that he can finish his new book about the poisoning and subsequent death of ex-Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko in London last week.

The book's proposed title is: Polonium-210 in Alexander Litvinenko's Sushi - If I Did It!

Apparently Rupert Murdoch and the boys at the Fox network are trying to negotiate a TV special.

Good job Deep Nose - keep your nose to the grindstone.

Another Memo to the Iggster

Michael, never kose sight of the fact that the world's great men have not commonly been great schulars, nor the great scholars great men.

In your opinion you may have great genius. The contrary is, of course, possible!

Memo to the Iggster

After your comments and subsequent "dancing" after your "Quebec nationhood" and "Israeli war crimes" comments ... dancing which incidently would have made Fred Astaire proud ... perhaps you would be well advised to take the sage advice of Grandpa Otto to heart, who said;

Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think!

Memo to: Belinda Stronach

Bedfellows make strange politics!

Your media response regarding "a double standard" existing when a man is caught with his shorts down vs when a women is caught with her knickers down was so predictable ... let's try to diffuse the situation by introducing another issue to divert attention from the original issue.

At least you practise what you preach B.S, in that your response to your tryst with the Tiemaster was not a "double standard" response. You did what everybody else would do, male and female alike, and that is to build a bridge where there is no river!

The Smitherman Secret Documents

My secret informant at Queens Park, aka: Deep Nose has discovered that Health Care Reform has been delayed due to the administration's effort to simplify medical terminology into standard English. The following is a partial list of the translations:

• Artery: Study of paintings.
• Bacteria: Rear door to the cafeteria
• Barium: What to do when the patient dies.
• Bowel: A,E,I,O,U (and sometimes) Y
• Caesarean Section: Roman neighborhood
• Cat Scan: Looking for a cat.
• Cauterize: Tie making eye contact with Belinda.
• Colic: Kind of a dog.
• Coma: Punctuation mark.
• Dilate: Lived a real long time.
• Enema: Not your friend.
• Fester: Quicker.
• Fibula: A small lie.
• Genital: Not Jewish.
• G.I. Series: Army baseball game.
• Hangnail: Coat hook.
• Impotent: Really valuable.
• Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
• Morbid: A bigger offer.
• Nitrates: Opposite of day rates.
• Node: Became aware of.
• Outpatient: Guy who fainted.
• Pelvis: Elvis' cousin.
• Post-operative: Mailman.
• Recovery room: Where they do upholstery.
• Rectum: Darn near killed him.
• Secretion: Hiding someplace.
• Seizure: Roman emperor.
• Tablet: Small table.
• Terminal illness: Got sick at the bus station.
• Tumor: Adding a couple more.
• Urine: Opposite of you're out.
• Varicose: Right next to you.
• Vein: Metal chicken on top of your barn

Thanks Deep Nose ... keep sniffing around!

Ding Dong Bell Canada Is At It Again!

For those of you who are Bell Canada customers, you may have spotted Bell's small notice, in an almost 0 point font, printed on the back of of your phone bill last month.

The notice would have told you that last month, Bell asked the CRTC for permission to eliminate the $55 hookup fee and raise the rates for ALL residential customers by 80 cents a month.

Jacqueline Michelis, Bell's talking head, said that "this will bring us into line with other local service providers who do not apply one-time charges for such activities." ... hmmm quelle surprise. Bell goes on to say that another benefit is that it will keep local phone service affordable for those with lower incomes - students, young people, the elderly, the socially disadvantaged - who tend to move more often. Holy I give a damn batman, Bell has suddenly developed a social conscience! Of course it was those darn CRTC guys in Ottawa that wouldn't allow them to give a break to these folks all along.

Bell insists that this isn't a cash grab ... of course ... but rather that the higher monthly rate is intended to off-set the one-time service connection charge - not to raise additional revenue. Michelis said, with a straight face I presume, "there is no incremental revenue with this proposal."

Let's do the math. Bell has 7.8 million residential lines. This means an increase of 80 cents generates $6.2 million in monthly revenue. Let's say that 1% of residential customers - or 76,000 move each month. The current $55 service connection charge generates a monthly revenue of $4.2 million a month. The net result is a $2 million surplus. Damn Ms. Michelis you're absolutely correct. This is not a cash grab because there is no incremental revenue generated. And of course now you won't have to ask a technician to reconnect service. How stupid of me as a consumer. I must be 6 french fries short of a happy meal!

By the way, why am I paying $55 to connect in the first place? Don't you just throw a switch or reinsert a card at the local central office, or am I missing something? My wife seems to think that it has something to do with someone being stuck in a barrel. I don't pay much attention to her in these matters ... the woman is a right-wing conspiracy theorist.

Oh, by the way ... why is it that under this new proposal, those folks who have been disconnected for non-payment will still pay $55 for reconnection. Ooooops, here goes the wife again. She says, hey schmuck .... how else could they go the CRTC next year for a 40 cent increase so that Bell can help the economically challenged? My neighbour, Rango Tang another one of those crazy conspiracy wing-nuts thinks that this may have something to do with paying down the debt-load quicker for the recent purchase of the CHUM empire. Please......!

Talk about bellying-up to the trough, Telus Inc., the dominant local provider in western Canada wants to follow in Bell's shoes. This means a rate increase is on hold while the CRTC awaits an application by Telus.

Let me put this as politely as I possibly can. If I want a certain orifice on my body invaded, it will be by my proctoligist and not by Bell. I am sick and tired of Bell and its nonsense, and I won't take it anymore! Yes I know ... I ripped the line from a movie. Going through another one of my senior moments, or as my son says ... a sometimer.

Folks there is still time. If you are like-minded, I would suugest that you contact your local MP. In the 416 and 905 regions it will be a Liberal. This will give you the opportunity to determine for yourself whether or not any lessons have been learned or whether they still don't give a flying fadoo about the citizens of Canada. Then I would strongly urge you to contact the CRTC at www.crtc.gc.ca and let your voice be heard.

It's time to take the clanger out of the Bell ..... continued silence would be deeply appreciated!

Memo to: Duncan Brown, CEO OLGC ... sorry ... CEO OLG

Let me understand this ... your advertising agency, Bensimon Byrne was paid $38,000/month from April 1/2001 to March 31/2004 ... correct?

You have just signed a new contract with your AD-LIB agency, but now for the paltry sum of $78,000/mth ... a slight increase of $40,000/mth ... with, as you put it ... "similar work expectations." Is that correct?

Duhhhhhhh. Hmmmmmm. Got it.

Excuse me Justice Gomery. Got a minute?

Memo to: Dah lton McGuinty and Duncan Brown

So let me understand you cowboys ... Mr Brown, as Chief Executive of what used to be the OLGC, you have decided to spend with Dah lton's blessing, $6,000,000.00 of our money to rebrand this cash cow.

As I understand your rationale is .... "this is about creating a brand that will represent trust, integrity and effective gaming operations." Do I understand you correctly?

Duuuuuuh. Hmmmmmm. Okay!

RIGHT ON Dunc baby! You're absolutely correct!!! Every time I saw the OLGC brand I knew you were untrustworthy, lacked integrity, and that you were totally ineffective. That's why people in the province never purchased your lottery tickets.

PS: I own a graphic arts company. Can we talk???

PPS: Is it true that OLGC originaly meant: Ontario Liberal Garbage Continues?

Memo to the 3 Amigo's

September is finally here and "Oh by gosh by golly ... it's time for Liberal leadership folly!" Just sitting here licking my chops as the games are about to begin.

Quick question ... isn't Liberal and Leadership an oxymoron ... but I digress.

To Kenny Dryden: Blessed are they who have nothing important to say and who cannot be forced to say it.

To The Iggster: Canada is easy to solve while standing on a soapbox.

Quick sidebar: I use to like Harvard beets.

To Bob Rae: Be yourself! Ooops, pardon the bad advice.

As the "Liberal spectacle is about to unfold, I am reminded once again, that the primary difference between an animal and the Liberal Party is, that an animal doesn't keep grabbing for more when it has had enough.

Bring it on gentlemen, hit us with your best shots!

Memo To: Jack Layton

I read, with my usual sense of heightened disinterest, your latest comments regarding the bringing home of Canadian troops from Afghanistan.

It must be difficult to keep quiet when you have nothing to say.

Memo to: Howard Moscoe, TTC Chair

Howard, I sympathize with your dilema of trying to save both of your faces at once.

Memo to: Dalton McGuinty

Dalton, if you think that you think, ask yourself what is the greatest thought you ever thought, then listen to the silence.

MEMO FROM: Belinda Stronach

There go my people. I must find out where they are going so I can lead them!

Technorati Profile

Kirk's Blog: Ontario PC's Nominate McGuinty for more Awards

Kirk's Blog: Ignatieff No Hero

A BS (Belinda Stronach) Moment

Nearly 400 employees at Tenatronics Ltd., in Newmarket were told this week that their plant is shutting down no later than November 13, 2006.

With a sizeable layoff about to happen in her riding, one would expect that Bewildering Belinda would react in some manner, but so far there has only been the Sounds of Silence.

On BS's website she lists her current priorities as being; improving health care and protecting our quality of life (tell that to the men and women of Tenatronics).

On the website you will also find her hosting the Battle of Yonge Street charity hockey game (a good thing), a two day womens policy retreat in Aurora (will hopefully have economic sustainability and development on the agenda), and democratizing the Liberal Party (an impossible thing).

What's going on young lady? A major employer shuts its doors, a sizeable number of your constituents have lost their jobs through no fault of their own, and you're nowhere to be found!

BS claims to be a "Strong Voice for Newmarket/Aurora" .... 400 men and women lose their jobs and she goes into that quiet night without even a peep or whisper ... perhaps it's laryngitis!

MICHAEL ARE YOU GOING TO ROW THIS BOAT ASHORE?

In the latest issue of Maclean's magazine Michael Ignatieff delivers the IGNATIEFF MANIFESTO which reveals how he'd change the country.

Now let me see if I understand this. In the Gospel according to Michael he would;

• implement a nation building agenda by unifying us as a people through four basic priorities; strengthening a sustaibable economy, strengthening the spine of our citizenship (what the hell does that mean?), strengthening our unity as a people, and strengthening our place in the world.

• reduce child poverty, gaps in Aboriginal health and education, clean up our lakes and rivers, generate jobs jn Canada's regions.

• create a national infrastructure to help Canadians to make their economic performance world-class and develop a national prosperity strategy.

• work with provinces to eliminate all remaining barriers of income and family circumstance to post secondary education, especially for Aboriginal Canadians, new immigrants, visible minorities and Canadians living outside large urban centres.

• provide income security for farmers, enviromrntal and energy policies, a national food policy, draw welfare dependents back into the labour force, income security for all Canadians, immigrants are more successfully integrated into our society, a strong federation, to recognize Quebec and Aboriginal peoples as nations within the fabric of Canada, access to public health care, increase foreign assistance.

• We should make ourselves the governance specialists of the emerging international order. (David, are you alluding to a New World Order ... tsk, tsk, tsk

Phew .... 'dem's a lot of promises and there were still more in the MACLEANS article which I didn't post because, quite frankly, my fingers were getting tired.

Did you miss anyone or anything David?

Mr. Ignatieff, I must say that I'm disappointed in you. For someone who has been away from Canada for as long as you have, your vision for our GREAT COUNTRY is the same old tired, "a chicken in every pot" rhetoric which the Liberals have been foisting upon Canada for as long as I remember.

Most of the issues which you have identified as needing change are broken down and dysfunctional in the first place because of the Liberals .... not so?

History shows that Canada has had a federal Liberal government for 83 years out of the 139 years since Confederation. You folks have had 83 years to get it right!

Michael, it's time to row the Liberal boat ashore for repairs before you ask Canadians to ride in it once more. Perhaps Canada Steamship Lines will offer a deal of some kind!